The other day, while driving into New York City, I heard a radio interview with Dana Goldstein, author of the recent Atlantic article “Don’t Help Your Kids With Their Homework.”
The article discussed two researchers from Duke University who went through 30 years of surveys to determine what really works when it comes to parental involvement in kids’ education—and what doesn’t.
The researchers’ major finding was this: Don’t help your kids with their homework. Kids need to learn how to fail, take responsibility for themselves, and love learning. They also discovered something I’ve experienced myself: that sometimes when parents help their kids, the parents get it wrong. My kids learned early on not to ask for my help because I often screwed things up for them. (Turns out it’s more common than you’d think.)
The study found only three things that made a positive impact, and they were:
- Reading A LOT to your kids between the ages of 1 and 5.
- Talking to your teenagers about their future and getting them excited about it (helping them dream and promoting something to work toward).
- And finally, making sure your kids get good teachers. Because it turns out a good teacher makes a HUGE difference.
I was happy to hear all this and then read the article because I felt vindicated. Frankly, I don’t have the time or interest to micromanage my kids’ lives. And I’ve always believed that freedom would serve them better than my handling every little thing for them. They’ve been picking out their own clothes and getting dressed by themselves since they were 1-year-olds, and doing their own homework since kindergarten.
One call into the radio show from a teacher was also very telling, and something I’ve personally observed. He said that “helicopter parents” aren’t really trying to help their kids; they’re trying to live out their own fantasies through their kids. Now, I’ve taken liberties with his words since I was driving at the time and couldn’t write his exact quote down, but regardless, I’ve seen this over and over again, where the over-involved parents are pushing their kids to do the things they themselves always wanted to do, rather than letting the kids do what they’ve chosen for themselves.
I think the secret to great parenting is to really love them enough to let them become their own unique selves, at their own pace and in their own way—even if you find it totally alien or wrong. It’s the practice of unconditional love that’s the secret to everything, not just parenting.
And oh, one more thing this article didn’t mention but I’ve seen in many other studies: Sit down together for a family dinner as often as you can. That’s one thing I am not lazy about, and you shouldn’t be either if you want to raise happy, healthy kids who do well in school.
I have lots of recipes for foods kids will love right here on my blog…
This is a keeper. Loved it.
Yes, unconditional love is the secret to everything in life. And where children are concerned, if we love them unconditionally than even if they don’t turn out to be straight A honor students, and even if they don’t ever earn a big salary, that love will make whatever they do, wherever they go in life all they need, because deep down they will always know they are loved no matter what!
Great post, and so true. Getting kids excited about their future is so important, because it not only reveals your faith in them but also their potential.
Bookmarked and shared!!!! Thanks Maria! X
Amen.
I agree with all of your ideas – especially having dinner together!As the mother of 4 busy children I have always tried to have dinner together. Other mothers have often been critical of this, wishing me good luck on an impossible endeavor. This is what I have found has helped. You can have dinner together as long as you remain flexible on the time and place. At times they have been on a blanket at the Little League field or on the beach after ballet – but we are together! The variety is sometimes the best part.
Amen! I never liked doing homework when I was in school but my parents never intervened. Why would I have wanted to live through it again. My daughters attended and graduated from the colleges of their choice, have jobs which they enjoy, get along well with people, and know how and where to find information they need all without my intervention in their homework. If they had questions, we told them to ask their teacher. We did read to them constantly when they were very young and did a lot of family activities. All we asked of them was to do the best they could.
Good teachers are VERY important. They can get even the most reluctant of students to perform well on the dullest of subjects.
I had it pretty good as a child. My mother has a degree in English Literature. My father was a physicist who had taught: math, physics, chemistry, astronomy and life sciences. Together they had years of experience in the real world social sciences. Getting help with homework, after I had struggled with it a bit was pretty much covered.
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