By guest blogger Pamela Madsen, founding executive director of The American Fertility Association and author of Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale, 2011).
I love this concept of “organic sexuality.” In fact, I recently wrote a piece in Psychology Today about my concept of the organic orgasm. It’s about slowing down, and planting the roots of our sexuality deep into rich soil that that will nurture our relationship with our partners and with ourselves. When we shift our thinking around sexuality—from being goal-orientated to something that will grow and flourish over time—the most amazing experiences will emerge, and surprise us with delicious sustainability. Now, who doesn’t want that?
I think it’s time for a new point of view when it comes to sexing—either with ourselves or with our partners. It’s time to slow down, and let go of the “How-To’s” around sexuality. It’s really not about whether you have a G-spot, or clitoral, or vaginal orgasm. It’s not about whether as a woman you are able to have an “ejaculation,” or whether your partner does. There is just too much pressure out there—and it creates anxiety and goal-oriented sex. Organic sexuality is not about running around the bases to get a home run. It is the opposite of that. It’s all about intentionally trying to slow down—opening to pleasure in all the parts of your body—and letting go of the idea that you have to get anywhere!
How do you get started? If you are with a partner, start with a conversation. Make an agreement with your lover that you are going to try on something new. You are going to let go of the idea that each of you has to have the kind of climax you usually have. Instead, you are going to explore pleasure in touch and sensation. That is the only goal. You may find that you will experience a different type of orgasm. If you lover spends a very long time nibbling your entire body, you may find yourself in such a state of pleasure that you’ll be hanging from the rafters!
You are feeling your way up from a goal. Some of us feel that if we don’t achieve orgasm in each and every sexual encounter, that we have something wrong with us. This can create a very unsexy sexual anxiety that, of course, is not going to bring anyone pleasure.
By going organic, you will be letting go of any worry or stress that can take you out of your body and into your head—and, of course, makes climaxing more difficult and less enjoyable. Anxiety about orgasm is a leading cause of erectile issues in men—the ability to relax and focus on sensation is essential for both male and female arousal.
When I talk about organic orgasms, or even dip my big toe into the world of “slow sex,” what I am inviting you to do is to simply enjoy the pleasure of touch and sexual intimacy. How playful can you be with yourself, and with your partner? What sensations have you explored lately? There are so many different types of sensations that can happen for us during sexual arousal and through the very human experience of sexual intimacy—whether we are using sex toys, vibrators, fingers, mouths, or our genitals.
I am not suggesting that you give up orgasms. I am instead inviting you to expand your pleasure and till your soil. Let it be rich—and savor it all. If we can let go of goal-oriented pleasure, what we may find is that our climaxes (orgasms) may become even more amazing, delicious, and earth shattering than ever before!
When it comes to sexuality, there are few rules outside of safe, sane, and consensual. For me, it’s about simply being shameless.
So true, but it is hard for us to do in most instances. People have too much on their heads now adays, financial worries tops the list. People can’t seem to relax because they are so worried about life in general and how to keep their head above water for not only themselves, but their family. Relaxing and letting go totally, is very difficult to do when your brain is on fire with worries. Most of us barely have time to have dinner with each other and to have a conversation then, much less finding quiet time to spend with each other without the children, but it can and should be done. We need to reconnect with our partners and ourselves at least once a week.
Maybe in doing so will help to lower our blood pressure and help us to refocus about what we need and how not to compete with others and each other for love and attention. We don’t want to run our significant othes away from us, or ourselves to something or someone else, which may not be the best thing. Remember, the grass is not always greener! Let’s plant something nice in our own backyard!!
Not to get away from this subject, but Maria, the second photo that you took of your German trip IS THE SPITAL RESTAURANT that I mentioned.
Hi!
The slow sex idea is not new, nor is giving and receiving pleasure and not worrying about orgasam. My problem is that my partner has prostate CA and the treatment, surgical and harmonal has left him with no libido and if he had that, no means to consumate it.
I do not want to aroused because I know I can do nothing to satisfy him. He does not like to just cuddle, but he wants to stroke, tickle, lick, etc. me. So far my only solution is to just forget about sex altogether and seek deeper friendship. He is 80 and I am 73 and we have been married 10 years. We were pretty hot stuff before his illness. I suppose I should just be satisfied that he is still alive, but sex is part of living and I miss it.
Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
Donna in Delaware summed it up beautifully.The economy is KILLING many of our sex lives. Why is it that no one in the media ever talks about this? Stress about finances has nearly devastated families & couples images of themselves & of each other.Adding yet another pressure by naming what might be referred to as a sense of spiritual or deeper intimacy by calling it organic sex only adds more complexity and confusion to the subject.Oh heres another thing that you’ll need to add to your organic “to do” list. I think the topic of a different approach to sexuality is much needed in todays upside world of reality shows. With so many women & men getting their info from Oprahs reccomendations, reality shows & so called sex-perts that love marketing the concept of “mixing it up a little” by buying a maids costume & flavored oils to get get down & funky.
Um yeah, right, not gonna happen….When people are inherently unhappy on deeper societal levels there is no quick fix solution.
Slowing down is always a good thing when it comes to sex especially with those over age 40 plus. It would take some amount of work but making an attempt to compartmentalize personal/financial problems to try and isolate them from the sexual experiences will be a challenge.
Finally!
My husband and I started parenting late. We are now blessed with a 13 yr old and a 6 yr old and we’re 45 and 47 respectively. Late parenting has definately slowed down our lovemaking, more than likely due to our lack of energy at the end of our busy days. Which, I guess has forced us to practice “organic sex”, which is a good thing. Our conversations have become more meaningful and he does this thing that totally turns me on. He gently scratches my back, soliciting moans like no orgasim ever has. LOL! Those moans take us in a direction neither of us even thought we had the energy for, which doesn’t always include sex.
When out with friends, we’ve been accused of having public sex public, due to our body language and its often suggested that we “get a room”. He’s under me every second; matter of fact, while going thru airport security a few years back the agent yelled at him to get off of my heels, that he could hook up with me later. We just laughed, but its all good. I never knew we’d progress to sharing and enjoying erotic moments such as these without actual coitus.
Having studied massage therapy and invested in a chair and table has added a definate plus to organic erotica, as your partners body can really be explored, without the actual act. Intercourse is strictly unethical on the table, however the fun can always be moved to another location. Enjoy all!
Hmmm I don’t know. I am 42 now, and my sex life has not been great for many years, for many reasons. I finally recently decided I want to ‘feel’ something again, enjoy sex… I even pray at night with tears! I’ll try this, what’s to loose? Oh yes, but first! I need a good partner. Ha-Ha-Ha! He too will come in time, right? I just hope I’m not too old.